This morning I got a phone call from a friend who was venting about a situation in her life. Her mom had really hurt her feelings and this was far from the first time. As an outsider, I agree that her mom was totally wrong and insensitive.... and is quite often. My dear friend had every right to be mad at her mom. In fact, she was so frazzled she was ready to sever ties with her mom completely.
I listened to all the reasons that she did not NEED her mom and how she DESERVED to be treated better... to how infuriating it is to try to please someone who is impossible to please... how frustrating it is to walk on eggshells every time you are around a person... and every thing she said was true.
If I had to guess, I'd guess that most of us know a person like that. I know I do... I certainly hope I'm not one of them!
After a few minutes of sharing, my friend asked what I thought about her severing ties with her mom. I began by confirming to her that boundaries are good... that she did deserve to be treated better and that what she was experiencing IS frustrating. Then I reminded her of some things that are happening in her mom's life that are VERY challenging for her mom. I reminded her of how difficult her mom's entire life had been and that we're not all given the same set of emotional skills.... and then, Finally, I got personal... something I usually try not to do when someone's asked for my advice... Normally, I TRY to be objective...but I just couldn't today.... I told her that one day... hopefully VERY FAR in the future... when she walks where I have walked this last week...
staring into my dad's eyes, trying desperately to memorize every tiny speck...
watching him sleep and counting his freckles...
holding his hand...
burying my face in his chest as heaving sobs overcame my body...
asking him where every scar came from so that I wouldn't forget...
hearing him ask my husband to take care of me and knowing it was over...
hearing awful things like "everything is in vain" or "Do not resuscitate"...
hearing his voice for the last time telling me he loved me...
lying in his arms, with a room full of broken and defeated people and...
...hearing his last breath.
I promised my friend that no matter how much right she has to be mad at her mom and maybe even reasons to establish some healthy boundaries... I promised that when that week comes for her, she would give up ANYTHING... for just five more minutes!
She didn't tell me what she planned to do but she did thank me for a new perspective.
As we spoke I was reminded of some of Jesus' last words as He hung on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
Jesus knew the cost of being separated from one He loved and He couldn't stand it, so He forgave.
If we're honest, He's forgiven each of us for things much greater than what it would take for us to cut someone out of our life.
There are so many reasons to forgive... SO MANY REASONS... There are COUNTLESS books on why to forgive, how to forgive, the psychological freedom of forgiveness and while I'm not one to live under the shadow of fear, I'd recommend the simple act of remembering just how short life is... how quickly one can be taken... how GONE they really feel once you can't touch them or hear them.
Whomever... whatever... live as if it's your last time with that person and forgive them... whether they want it or not... Because you never know which time will actually be the last time.
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