Perfectionism

per-fec-tion-ism [per-fek-shun-niz-uhm] - noun

1. any of various doctrines holding that religious, moral, social or political perfection is attainable
2. a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less

Perfectionism plagues me.  At times it literally keeps me from sharing thoughts, blog posts, and ultimately, myself.  Seriously, I have seventeen blog posts that I have started but haven't published because they just didn't seem right.  This morning I had to make myself take deep breaths because my stunningly beautiful daughter came in to kiss me good morning, all ready for school, and had shoved her hair into a messy ponytail.  Didn't she remember that today was her D.A.R.E. graduation?!  Of course she did.  She just isn't a perfectionist and she thought she looked just fine.  I swear this whole pathetic exchange happened inside my head after she walked out:

It's ok that she doesn't care what she looks like. 

She's not vain and that's good. 

But I really want her to look pretty. 

She IS pretty. You're the one that's a vain perfectionist. She is pretty AND not vain, like you wish you could be. Embrace it and be glad that she doesn't care if she's like everyone else. 

Oh yea, I don't want her to be like the world.  I want her to be set apart, to see her value as it comes from God and not other things.... but if she'd just let me do her hair!!!



So, yes, I'm a vain perfectionist AND I talk to myself.  It's scary in my head at times but that's not the point here.  

Aren't we all a little bit of a perfectionist?  Yes, let's put our attention on all of us instead of just me.  Even the most loving parent starts out that way.  

Someone asks, "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

Everyone knows the right answer is:

"I don't care as long as it's healthy."

Perfectionism.  Maybe it isn't as ridiculous as I am with Madeline's hair but it's still there... whispering... in the heart of us all "I just want my baby to be perfect."

But what do we do when God's idea of a perfect baby isn't the same as our idea of a perfect baby?  

Last year a couple of my friends began a journey to reconcile that very thing in their hearts.  They prayed desperately for their third child and due some unexpected medical issues for her, only had a very small window to conceive that child and conceive they did.  

Months of celebration ensued as they planned to bring their perfect baby into their perfect home when all of a sudden, in the middle of their joy, they ran smack dab into a concrete wall.  She was about five months along when they went in for a routine ultrasound only to learn that the baby they had pleaded to receive had a cleft lip.  Doctors were uncertain at the time the extent of the cleft... would it just be a little plastic surgery on the lip or would the palate be involved too?  Would it affect his growth and development?  Are there other issues or syndromes or defects that they would learn later?  Question after question consumed their every second.  

It's not what we want to hear "You're baby's not perfect" because at the heart of everyone is just a little bit of a perfectionist.  I mean, we can have messy kids.  They can totally wear that Spiderman costume to the grocery store WITH their rainboots on and we're cool with that.  It doesn't bother us ONE.LITTLE.BIT that there's cheetos on their face because that's what they had for dinner, YES, DINNER!  Perfectionism does not consume all of us... 

we don't care, as long as they're healthy.  

Brian and Amey began a journey this past year that has taken them up and down, twirling all around a spiritual and emotional roller coaster and they have learned that what God says is perfect IS perfect.  

Meet Bryce.  

 

Seriously, is it even possible to be cuter than he is?!  I could just swim in those big brown eyes and that curl on top just has me UNDONE... and you just cannot miss that sweet beautiful smile!  

I asked for the privilege of photographing Bryce while he was on this journey for totally selfish reasons.  AS I mentioned yesterday, life had kind of stunk for a while.  It wasn't turning out like I'd hoped and well, perfection seemed as far away as Pluto.  I knew that I desperately needed to see things more through God's eyes than through mine.  Lucky for me, Brian and Amey said yes.  

When we first began Bryce was just about to undergo his first surgery.  

 

Everyone had fallen crazy in love with this little man and he was growing like a champ!  Brian and Amey's idea of "perfect" had already changed quite a bit!

 

The hope for that day was to fix everything on the outside:  connect the lip and form a left nostril. Things, however, did not go perfectly.  

Bryce had such a hard time breathing with the tubes in his nose and his lip sewn shut so Amey stood next to his bed to hold his mouth open to help him breath more easily.

Bryce had to be able to breathe and take a bottle or nurse before they could leave the hospital but that didn't go perfectly either.  The tubes in his nose, even the left one that was meant to form a new nostril, had to be removed. 

Once they got home things were still far from perfect and they finally had to go back to the hospital and get a tube put in to feed him directly into his stomach.  Amey has had to change her diet and pump to give Bryce breastmilk and she'd tell you without hesitation that it's totally worth it.  I mean, he's her perfect baby.  And he is. 

A couple of weeks ago I caught up with the family again to capture the prefectness that is Bryce as well as Brody and Mia.  Tomorrow Bryce will have surgery again.  They'll do a little more work on his lip, try again for that left nostril and hopefully even fix the whole palate.  Even though they are confident that God will guide the surgeon's hand and that Bryce will come out of the surgery just fine, Brian and Amey worry and pray and worry and then pray some more. 

Bryce may not have been the baby they had in mind when they were hoping to conceive but he is the perfect baby for their family.  In the beginning they wondered why the journey had to be so hard but now, they know that it's been worth it.  Perfect has been redefined... for them and for me. 

See, God doesn't answer our prayers the way we expect sometimes.  Sometimes He says "yes" but more often (at least for me), I hear "wait" or "I have something different in mind."  The Bible says that our ways are not His ways and little could be more true.  Believing that God's plan is perfect and subsequently, that your plan is not, requires trust and humility.  Trust that God is almighty and all-loving.  Trust that His ways are higher than our ways.  Trust that His plans are to prosper us and not to harm us, even though, sometimes, it hurts...a lot.  Humility to accept not just that our plan wasn't best but that we are ultimately powerless to fix anything at all.... 

But sometimes... if we'll stop trying to fix things ourselves... sometimes we just might catch a glimpse of what God says is perfect and we're blown away. 

I saw it last week when I was editing.  I sent Amey a screenshot of that first photo and a text that read:

"As I am staring into his big brown eyes and smiling back at his beautiful smile, I just wanted to tell you that whatever they do in his next surgery, one thing they cannot do:  they cannot make him any cuter or anymore perfect that God made him.  He takes my breath away!"

God's "perfect" gives us everything we need at the exact time we need it. ALWAYS...especially when it looks drastically different than our view of perfect!

Please pray with me and everyone else who loves Bryce that tomorrow goes smoothly, that the doctors are able to do everything they need to do to help Bryce as he grows up and all transitions post-surgery go smoothly as well. 

Here are a few more of this beautiful family from last week:

Aren't they perfect?!

Brian and Amey, He was born perfectly beautiful.  Thank you for sharing him with me!