Dear Papa

Dear Papa,

You've been gone for four weeks.  Some days it seems like it was just yesterday that I could look into your face... Other days it feels like it's been an eternity.  Gavin believes that every bird has been sent to us by you.  He comes running, "Momma LOOK!  I bet Papa sent it!" and I smile great big each time. I do wonder about the beautiful egrets that have camped behind our house for the last month because I've never seen that kind of bird here before.  Either way, it always reminds me of you and makes me smile.

Many years ago you asked my why anyone would want to believe in God.  I know that you wanted me to make sense of all the things that were happening in your life that didn't make sense but I couldn't.  All that I could do was tell you who God was to me, how much you'd love Him and how much He already loved you.  I'm so glad you got to know Him.  I can only imagine the conversations you two are having over the fishing hole about now.  Now, I told you not to get mad if He's catching the bigger fish!

I want you to know that I'm not mad... at you or Him.  I do miss you though.  Some days it hurts so bad that I just don't want to talk to anyone.  I just can't speak or even cry. I AM so grateful that He let us know before your time came so that I could be by your side.  I'm also glad that it didn't take too long because it was killing me to see you hurt.  That last night I prayed for two things:  for Jesus to show you how much He loves you and for Him to come quickly for you.  He did both!  I just wish I could have seen your face when you opened those blue eyes and saw Jesus there!

I don't know how He does it, but I know that you know now... how Jesus is both there with you and here with me.  He is... without a doubt.  Just like I told you so many years ago, you can count on God.  You may not understand everything but He will never leave you and His right hand will hold you.  So, don't worry, He's holding me every single day.  I love you, Papa, forever.

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,  even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."  -Psalm 139:7-10

2011 Lessons... Last Installment

Things I learned... #3

You know how you hear about something the very first time and you get all excited? 

You promise yourself that you'll never forget about it...  You'll never go back to the way things were...

and then a few days go by... 
and then a few more days... 
and the next thing you know... 
you've forgotten all about that excitement and that commitment... 

or it is just me that does that?  

I confess that I have ALWAYS had issues with commitment.  From dating to my major(s) in college to my master's degree that doesn't match my bachelor's degree that doesn't match my current career choice... commitment is not easy for me but it is so totally important!  The third and final (I think) thing that I learned in 2011 is that:

"What we are committed to will be what makes us."  

Our pastor, Terry Sanderson, said those words a few weeks ago and I've referred to it several times in the last week.  I'm that nerdy girl that takes notes during the sermon and I'm sooo glad I do because five minutes after I walk out, I can usually only remember bits and pieces of the wisdom that is shared and that little nugget, that I probably wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't written it down, has given me new resolve.  The third thing I learned in 2011 is to be intentional about the kinds of things I want in my life.



I will choose those things to which I commit myself very carefully and I will be fully devoted to them.  



Have you really thought about what you're committed to in life?  I encourage you to think about this.  It's so easy to go with the flow... see what happens... or as one of my beautiful sisters says "fly by the seat of your pants" but even those of us who enjoy being a little less structured need to have some boundaries or we'll find ourselves overcommitted to things that may not add anything to our life or anyone else's life.  For that matter, they might just suck the life right out of us!  We ARE committed to something in life... whether we realize it or not.  

What are you committed to?  Are you a commit-o-phobe like me?  When you think about the person you want to be, what change would you have to commit to making?  

Howell of Fame

Last Wednesday evening I got a call from the kids' school principal.... not exactly what a parent hopes for at any time of the day but it was ESPECIALLY strange because she was calling from her home... hours after school got out.   Now I have worked with Mrs. Cindi Crigler on the weekend backpack program, Bear Necessities but she'd never called me about it... email, yes.  Phone call, NEVER.  

On the phone Cindi had a strange excitement in her voice when she asked that I meet her at school the next morning for a staff meeting AND that I bring my kids and husband along with me.  She promised that the kids weren't in any trouble but that she REALLY needed me there.  I straight up told her  "You're kind of weirding me out a bit Cindi but I'll be there."  

It kind of makes me laugh to think about the first time I went in to the school to talk to her about starting Bear Necessities.  I had never met her before.  I had some SERIOUSLY sweaty pits and the only thing shaking more than my hands was my voice.  I seriously didn't know if I'd even be able to speak. I was so intimidated to go see "the principal" and yet, I have come to know that she is just the kindest and most compassionate of women and count it a privilege to know her.  

Anyway, I got off the phone and told Chris that for some reason that Cindi refused to tell me we all needed to go to the staff meeting in the morning. I knew this would make him late to work and with having missed quite a bit of work lately after the loss of my dad, I told him that if he couldn't make it I was sure it would be okay and couldn't imagine what the deal was anyway.  In usual Chris fashion, he wouldn't miss anything and made arrangements to go in late.  Gotta love my guy!

Once we arrived at the school the staff that we saw in the halls were acting just as curious as Cindi had been the night before.  I was told that I'd be going into the library but I wasn't allowed in the library yet.  The anticipation was killing me but I just couldn't figure out what to expect.  Once we were allowed in the library there was a woman from the Francis Howell School District's central office talking about an award that she was there to give to someone... an award that she had received and held as one of the highest honors.  Apparently, several people are nominated each year by staff and only a very small number of people are then chosen by a committee.  The award is called the Howell of Fame and it's described on the district website as follows:

The Howell of Fame Award recognizes excellence of character, performance and service of those who serve the Francis Howell School District as employees, volunteers and patrons.

Following an explanation of the award, Cindi went on to explain how several members of the staff had written letters on behalf of this year's winner and yes, I began to cry for it was I that had been chosen... first by the John Weldon Staff and then by a district committee to be a Howell of Fame Award  Winner.  

To have these amazing people whom I think so much of take their time to write  recommendations on my behalf for an award that I did not even know existed just straight up humbled me to my core. 

You see, John Weldon Elementary does not have your every day teachers.  They are truly a cut above the rest.  The entire staff is pretty amazing.  They go above and beyond in their time and their efforts.  They see each child as an individual and embrace that individualism in a world that much more appreciates a One-Size-Fits-All philosophy.  My children feel safe and valued by these wonderful people and I am just over the moon that we bought this house... in this neighborhood... in this district and my kids get to go to school there and be educated by these wonderful people!

One seriously crazy thing to me is that I am being awarded for something God totally had to talk me into doing... something I KNEW I wasn't equipped to do... something I pleaded with Him to get someone else to do.  (Ever heard of a guy named Moses?  Yea, like that.)  


Yet..

It has been one of the greatest blessings in my life thus far.  



Each week I have the privilege of seeing God answer prayers in a tangible way. 

Every single time I hear someone rattling the donation box on my front porch I am reminded that God provides.  

Each week I get to talk with at least one volunteer in the community about the goodness of God and how much He loves the kids of our school.   



I already felt blessed just getting to be a part of Bear Necessities... being honored by the staff and the district for doing something that already blesses me in such a tremendous way... well, it's just more than I could have imagined.  


Now I don't want to get all this-is-my-Oscar-speech-and-I'd-like-to-thank-God-and-my-parents-and... but seriously, I cannot claim this on my own.  

Bear Necessities IS NOT me.  

Bear Necessities is God's idea.  Bear Necessities is a community of wonderful people who feel called by God to care for each other, providing for one another's daily necessities.  It's a community of people who believe it's important to teach their children to serve others by actually serving with their children.  I know it sounds all kinds of corney, idealistic and totally like an answer to a Miss America pageant but I honestly believe that raising our children in a community that behaves this way can change the future.  If we, at John Weldon, teach even 100 kids to live a life of service, sacrifice and obedience... and they teach their kids... and they teach their kids... Can you even imagine what the future could hold?   


I had a dream... (yes, I'm getting seriously cheesy now) but my dream was never to win awards.  My dream was simply to teach my own children how to honor God and serve others.  Bear Necessities has given me an opportunity to do that.  It has given me an opportunity to be a light in the world.  It has given this community the opportunity to do the same.  I am so grateful and honored to be called a Howell of Fame winner.  It is not just the icing on the cake but the sprinkles too!

Thank you, John Weldon Staff, for honoring me.  I'm BEYOND grateful! 

Five Minutes

This morning I got a phone call from a friend who was venting about a situation in her life.  Her mom had really hurt her feelings and this was far from the first time.  As an outsider, I agree that her mom was totally wrong and insensitive.... and is quite often.  My dear friend had every right to be mad at her mom.  In fact, she was so frazzled she was ready to sever ties with her mom completely. 


I listened to all the reasons that she did not NEED her mom and how she DESERVED to be treated better... to how infuriating it is to try to please someone who is impossible to please... how frustrating it is to walk on eggshells every time you are around a person... and every thing she said was true.  

If I had to guess, I'd guess that most of us know a person like that.  I know I do... I certainly hope I'm not one of them! 


After a few minutes of sharing, my friend asked what I thought about her severing ties with her mom.  I began by confirming to her that boundaries are good... that she did deserve to be treated better and that what she was experiencing IS frustrating.  Then I reminded her of some things that are happening in her mom's life that are VERY challenging for her mom.  I reminded her of how difficult her mom's entire life had been and that we're not all given the same set of emotional skills.... and then, Finally, I got personal... something I usually try not to do when someone's asked for my advice...  Normally, I TRY to be objective...but I just couldn't today.... I told her that one day... hopefully VERY FAR in the future... when she walks where I have walked this last week... 


                          


                staring into my dad's eyes, trying desperately to memorize every tiny speck...


                                                    watching him sleep and counting his freckles...


                                                                             holding his hand...


                       burying my face in his chest as heaving sobs overcame my body...


               asking him where every scar came from so that I wouldn't forget... 

 
                              hearing him ask my husband to take care of me and knowing it was over...


                   hearing awful things like "everything is in vain" or "Do not resuscitate"...


                                                                                    hearing his voice for the last time telling me he loved me...


               lying in his arms, with a room full of broken and defeated people and... 

                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                           ...hearing his last breath.  



I promised my friend that no matter how much right she has to be mad at her mom and maybe even reasons to establish some healthy boundaries... I promised that when that week comes for her, she would give up ANYTHING... for just five more minutes!

She didn't tell me what she planned to do but she did thank me for a new perspective.  


As we spoke I was reminded of some of Jesus' last words as He hung on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  

Jesus knew the cost of being separated from one He loved and He couldn't stand it, so He forgave. 

If we're honest, He's forgiven each of us for things much greater than what it would take for us to cut someone out of our life.


There are so many reasons to forgive... SO MANY REASONS... There are COUNTLESS books on why to forgive, how to forgive, the psychological freedom of forgiveness and while I'm not one to live under the shadow of fear, I'd recommend the simple act of remembering just how short life is... how quickly one can be taken... how GONE they really feel once you can't touch them or hear them.  

Whomever... whatever... live as if it's your last time with that person and forgive them... whether they want it or not... Because you never know which time will actually be the last time. 

Mitchell aka... Papa aka... my dad

All week I have struggled with what to write about the passing of my biological father, Elton Mitchell McCullough.  There are endless things I can say about the man that he was... how he loved every single living thing and studied God's creation in awe of everything he saw.  There is much to say about the relationship that we shared... the wonderful opportunities he gave me to share about Christ, asking me the hard questions that he had not had answered.  There are so many who could share how his unconditional love allowed them a distinct u-turn in life that led them down a better path.  From time to time, I would like to talk about my dad but what I most want to share today is about the benefit of knowing Christ personally. 

I was searching through my old emails looking for ones from Papa, aka: my dad.  I came across the following paragraph that was typed almost two years ago when my stepmom was battling cancer.  At the time I wrote it we had learned, after a crazy-roller-coaster-of-a-few-weeks, that she was cancer free.  We were happy... excited... singing God's praises for her healing.  What I want you to know is that today I cannot sing of Papa's earthly healing or the miracles God granted us.  I cannot raise my hands in praise for more time with him.  I cannot say that "happy" or "excited" are words that would accurately describe the condition of my heart but I can say that, in spite of that fact... in spite of the fact that God chose to heal my dad by taking him home to Heaven, I STILL believe everything this says with every fiber of my being:

Recently, something in Matthew was pointed out to me that I had not previously noticed but is now profound to me.  In Matthew 14:28 Peter and the other disciples were in the boat when Peter said "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."  and Jesus said "Come."  As you all know, Peter then got out of the boat and miraculously walked on the water.  As you also likely know, Peter got distracted by the wind and began to sink.  

Here's where it gets profound to me.  At the end of verse 30 we learn that Peter cried out "Lord, save me!"  We are told in verse 31 that "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him."  If it was by Jesus' power that Peter walked on the water then it was Jesus that allowed Peter to begin sinking.  Surely, Jesus had the ability to keep Peter on the surface of that water but He saw that something beneficial could happen if Peter sank.  Peter saw that he NEEDED Jesus, that he could do nothing on his own and that it was Jesus that had the power.  Peter also learned that when he cried out for his Lord to save him, IMMEDIATELY he would be saved.  

It is much easier to look back upon this instance with Peter and KNOW that Christ allowed him to sink because there was a benefit that outweighed the struggle.  The reality remains, however, that we all encounter struggles, pain, and even death.  The bigger reality of it is that no matter what is happening now... in our experiences... in our lifetimes, God is lovingly making decisions with yesterday, today and forever in mind.  In John 11:35 we are told that upon seeing the grief of his friends after losing Lazarus, Jesus wept.  Just moments before he KNEW he would raise Lazarus from the dead, Jesus wept.  We do not ever walk alone and when we grieve, God grieves with us.  Any moment of pain we experience, any depth we sink to is known by eyes that see all things, by a God who is eternal and eternally loving, a God who loves us more than he loves himself.  

Why my dad's time was marked so early, I will never know.  I will grieve it every day for the remainder of my life.  I do not write this "God is so loving" message from some Polly-Anna-I've-never-experienced-pain-and-God-gave-me-what-I-wanted place.  No.  I did not get my way.  I did not.  I want my dad to be here with me!  Yet, I trust and I know that God is good and God loves because He has shown it time and again but mostly because of what we celebrate this weekend.  God gave his one and only son... to an excruciating death on the cross... because I sin and I NEED SAVING from an obligation I cannot meet.  Jesus died for me and for my dad... and for you, so that we can walk with God and know Him.  God allowed that awful thing, not because it gave Him pleasure but because it was what was best for us... because He loves us.  I need nothing else from God to know that He loves me but the awesome thing is, He didn't stop there.  He also raised Jesus from the dead so that we could have a hope of eternity and victory over death.  

On this earth, my Papa has died but because he accepted Christ he lives eternally in Heaven and I look forward to the party we'll have when we all get to Heaven.