Things I learned... #2

My  last post talked about how I learned some key things in 2011 that, despite being a painful year, I would not trade the wisdom for anything!  I have to admit that the circumstances of 2012 are not shaping up to be any easier than 2011 but, somehow, I still feel stronger... even when I'm melting in Chris' arms crying my eyes out.  You see, this year we have learned that one of my dads is very sick.  As you might have read in this post, I have two dads.  Emotionally it is like having kids in that you love them both desperately... They each have this unique role that they play in your life that no one else on earth could ever fill.  They're both totally different and yet you need them both equally.  My biological father has been diagnosed with being in the end stages of liver failure.  He has been in the hospital twice in the last three weeks.  While many prayers have already been answered during this time, SOOOO MANY MORE are still needed.  Without a new liver, they say he cannot make it... and yet he is not on a donor list at this moment and his doctor won't do living donor transplants.  The only way that I can explain how I feel when I hear this is to say that I feel like my heart is broken beyond repair... that it will never heal.  I keep telling Chris that I think my heart will be broken forever and not in some silly dramatic way but in a very real it.will.LITERALLY.be.broken.FOREVER.way.  I cannot imagine its healing.  


It took me several days to cry... actually it took his second hospitalization.  It was that night that i just had a full on pitty party, BAWLED my eyes out and told God how unfair I thought this was... I want my Dad!  I want to walk on the beach with him...  I want to watch him read to Gavin like he did Madeline...  I want to see him chase my kids up and down the beach again...  He hasn't gotten to teach Gavin how to fish...  I want more time.  I didn't get enough time.  I WANT MY DAD!  


The irony is thick... you see, the next key thing I learned in 2011 that I planned to share is that...


Sometimes abiding is HARD! 


At our Wednesday morning bible study we've been talking all year about what it means to abide in Christ.  It comes from John 15:7 when Jesus said,

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, 

and it will be done for you" 

it's talking about how we need to be constantly connected to Christ through a real relationship as we walk through life.  We need to read the Bible... We need to pray about everything... We need to BE STILL AND LISTEN.  In 2011 it was more difficult to abide than ever before in my life.  There were days that the most I could pray was "Lord, help" or even an honest "I know you love me, Lord, but I don't feel it today."  In a real and painful way I have stood emotionally naked... broken... feeling hopeless and alone...reminding myself of truth even when it didn't feel true.  Some days abiding is simply surviving and trusting that there will be an end to the circumstances that overwhelm you and on those days... also trusting that God is not surprised that you have nothing else to give.


That little bit in that previous paragraph I typed a few weeks ago, before we knew that dad was so sick and I planned to post it last week... to be a little more regular with this blog but you see... sometimes abiding is hard... and last week, after Dad was readmitted... it was hard.  I can honestly say, however, that it was hard in a different way than last year.  It's really as if all the things that really stunk last year prepared me for this REALLY SUPER-SUCKY thing.  


Aside from losing my grandma last year, nothing I lost in 2011 could compare to the potential losses of 2012.  


NOTHING... NOTHING...NOTHING.  



Yet, I CAN pray and am... constantly.  I CAN see God working and am experiencing joy unlike ever before at prayers that have been prayed for decades that were answered just this week... It took DE-CADES to see that fruit but it's here and it's good!  My heart is as broken as it has ever been and yet, I KNOW MORE THAN EVER BEFORE that the God who answers prayers is near to me.  Psalm 34:18 says that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  I feel this in a very real way today. 




So, if you're in the  middle of some really stinky stuff... or maybe some REALLY SUPER-SUCKY stuff... ABIDE... PRAY... PRAISE... CLING... TO THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES YOU... even when you don't feel Him... especially when you don't feel Him. For He is there and He will carry you through it.