Things I learned... #2

My  last post talked about how I learned some key things in 2011 that, despite being a painful year, I would not trade the wisdom for anything!  I have to admit that the circumstances of 2012 are not shaping up to be any easier than 2011 but, somehow, I still feel stronger... even when I'm melting in Chris' arms crying my eyes out.  You see, this year we have learned that one of my dads is very sick.  As you might have read in this post, I have two dads.  Emotionally it is like having kids in that you love them both desperately... They each have this unique role that they play in your life that no one else on earth could ever fill.  They're both totally different and yet you need them both equally.  My biological father has been diagnosed with being in the end stages of liver failure.  He has been in the hospital twice in the last three weeks.  While many prayers have already been answered during this time, SOOOO MANY MORE are still needed.  Without a new liver, they say he cannot make it... and yet he is not on a donor list at this moment and his doctor won't do living donor transplants.  The only way that I can explain how I feel when I hear this is to say that I feel like my heart is broken beyond repair... that it will never heal.  I keep telling Chris that I think my heart will be broken forever and not in some silly dramatic way but in a very real it.will.LITERALLY.be.broken.FOREVER.way.  I cannot imagine its healing.  


It took me several days to cry... actually it took his second hospitalization.  It was that night that i just had a full on pitty party, BAWLED my eyes out and told God how unfair I thought this was... I want my Dad!  I want to walk on the beach with him...  I want to watch him read to Gavin like he did Madeline...  I want to see him chase my kids up and down the beach again...  He hasn't gotten to teach Gavin how to fish...  I want more time.  I didn't get enough time.  I WANT MY DAD!  


The irony is thick... you see, the next key thing I learned in 2011 that I planned to share is that...


Sometimes abiding is HARD! 


At our Wednesday morning bible study we've been talking all year about what it means to abide in Christ.  It comes from John 15:7 when Jesus said,

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, 

and it will be done for you" 

it's talking about how we need to be constantly connected to Christ through a real relationship as we walk through life.  We need to read the Bible... We need to pray about everything... We need to BE STILL AND LISTEN.  In 2011 it was more difficult to abide than ever before in my life.  There were days that the most I could pray was "Lord, help" or even an honest "I know you love me, Lord, but I don't feel it today."  In a real and painful way I have stood emotionally naked... broken... feeling hopeless and alone...reminding myself of truth even when it didn't feel true.  Some days abiding is simply surviving and trusting that there will be an end to the circumstances that overwhelm you and on those days... also trusting that God is not surprised that you have nothing else to give.


That little bit in that previous paragraph I typed a few weeks ago, before we knew that dad was so sick and I planned to post it last week... to be a little more regular with this blog but you see... sometimes abiding is hard... and last week, after Dad was readmitted... it was hard.  I can honestly say, however, that it was hard in a different way than last year.  It's really as if all the things that really stunk last year prepared me for this REALLY SUPER-SUCKY thing.  


Aside from losing my grandma last year, nothing I lost in 2011 could compare to the potential losses of 2012.  


NOTHING... NOTHING...NOTHING.  



Yet, I CAN pray and am... constantly.  I CAN see God working and am experiencing joy unlike ever before at prayers that have been prayed for decades that were answered just this week... It took DE-CADES to see that fruit but it's here and it's good!  My heart is as broken as it has ever been and yet, I KNOW MORE THAN EVER BEFORE that the God who answers prayers is near to me.  Psalm 34:18 says that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  I feel this in a very real way today. 




So, if you're in the  middle of some really stinky stuff... or maybe some REALLY SUPER-SUCKY stuff... ABIDE... PRAY... PRAISE... CLING... TO THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES YOU... even when you don't feel Him... especially when you don't feel Him. For He is there and He will carry you through it. 

Things I learned...

I have to confess... the last year has not been my favorite.  I have felt, at times, that life's been terribly overwhelming and at other times that there's just a dense fog hanging over my emotions.  Ironically, at the end of 2010 I set a goal for myself to forgive those who hurt me, even those who never apologize.  Yes, those were my written words and I never would have dreamed how much opportunity 2011 would give me to practice that goal!  Now I'd never go into all that happened or the many words that were spoken that crushed me, caused me to doubt myself and temporarily crippled me sending me into that dense fog but I've learned some really key things in the midst of the fog... things I wouldn't trade for more sunny days.  The following is a highlight of the first of those things that I learned...


Who I am is defined in Christ ALONE and not what others think of me... even me.

Don't get me wrong, I really do care what others think of me and have difficulty believing those people who give the notion that they are not the least bit effected by what people think of them.  In our core, there are some people whose opinions matter.  They just do.  Yet, those people are just that, people... flawed, selfish, sinful human people... just like me and sometimes their opinions need to not matter because if their opinion is in sharp contrast to what Christ says of me then I cannot listen more to them than I do Him.  I know this in my head but sometimes, I have difficulty separating it in my heart but I'm getting better.


Have you ever struggled with what someone else thinks of you?  Has anyone ever said something about you that made you doubt everything you thought about yourself?  Maybe it was a parent, a boss, or a friend... it can even be someone you don't like and it will still slice right through you, doesn't it?  Worst of all, sometimes it just us.   What we think of ourselves can be most discouraging of all. 


What carried me through 2011 and what I encourage you to do is to remember what Christ thinks of us... It is what He thinks that really matters because He knows us better than we know ourselves and

He thinks we're to die for!  

He says that we are His friend... that we are free... that we are His delight and the apple of His eye.  Here are just a few more examples of what the bible says about you and me:

I am a child of God- John 1:12
I am Christ's friend- John 15:15
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit- John 15:16
I am a personal witness of Christ for Christ- Acts 1:8
I have been justified and redeemed- Romans 3:24
Romans 5:1 I- have been justified (completely forgiven and made righteous) and am at peace with God- Romans 5:11
I have been freed from sin's power over me- Romans 6:7
I am holy- Romans 11:16
I am a new creation- 2 Corinthians 5:17
Christ has accepted me- Romans 15:7

This is not an all-inclusive list.  These are just a few of the descriptions that Christ gives to those who love Him but how much sweeter is it to hear these things about us than some of the other things we hear.  Today I am going to spend a little time thinking about what Jesus thinks of me and I encourage you to take a few minutes to think about it for yourself.

Good People... Good Food!

Friday night I went to a trivia night to show support for fellow St. Louis photographer, Gina Kelley who is battling for her life against cancer.  Gina wasn't able to join us... she's way too busy kicking cancer's bootie but we celebrated her! The girl has a heart for Jesus and for serving and it shows in the most amazing way.  The list of charities that she has donated time to is long and inspiring and that's just the official stuff.  I love that the majority of her preaching is not done with words but with her actions.  She is a great example of John 13:35, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Now, I had the privilege of sharing a table with seven other fabulous ladies:  Kelly Manno, Michelle Ross, Donna Harris, Jennifer Peterson, Sherry Rosenberger, Sarah McDermott and Kate Hargis.   We had a lot of fun, despite Michelle and Sarah bailing on us early... :) and come to think of it, maybe we should blame them for our OH-SO-BAD trivia score.  yea, right!  Alas, all of the important things were there:  heart for a worthy cause, feeling way more stupid than we thought we were and the ability to laugh about it, awesome people and A-MAZ-ING food... which everyone knows is one of the most important aspects of a trivia night!  

So, for all of you that were not able to be at our table, (and for those that were at the table and are wishing they had some to nibble on right now) I wanted to share an awesome recipe that I discovered on Pinterest and made for Friday night.  We devoured TWO BOWLS of it!  I think our fatigue at the end of the night was more about a sugar coma than the late hour.  :) We ate it with chocolate graham crackers and they were soooo delicious!  Bon Appetit!

Cookie Dough Dip Recipe

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Total Time: 10 minutes

Yield: 12

The most delicious recipe for cookie dough dip you've ever tasted.

Ingredients

• 1 8-ounce package cream cheese
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
• 1 cup chocolate chips
• 1 cup toffee bits

Instructions

1. Cream together cream cheese and butter.
2. Add all remaining ingredients and mix until well-combined.
3. Serve with graham crackers or apple wedges.

Notes

Do NOT use reduced fat cream cheese as it may cause your dip to have the wrong consistency. 

40-Day Journey

Clearly, I have struggled with how to begin a photography blog.  I've been "planning" to do it for over two years and haven't.  There are countless reasons that have kept me from writing here but it's mostly been a fear that no one would care... that no one would read it anyway.... that I wouldn't be "good enough."  There are SO many amazing photographers and SO many amazing bloggers and the thought of putting myself out there... REALLY putting myself out there REALLY freaked me out! 


Alas, today I am beginning a 40 day journey prompted by one of a hundred Facebook posts I see in a day.  The words that caught my eye were "40-Day Prayer Journey to Seek God's Will For Your Photo Business."  Finally, JUST what I was looking to find.  From Day 1 of being in business I have said that this business belonged to God for as long as it existed but I have not always ran the business that way... partly because I was the one running the business.  In the beginning I was so excited that I took on too much work... and when I say too much work I mean so much that I did not have enough time for the relationships in my life that matter most.  My role as a mom suffered.  I know that I was not as patient as my kids needed me to be.  I shudder at the number of times that they found me at the computer and I found it difficult to leave to play with them... though I did make sure to do that more than I didn't... I think.  My role as a wife suffered.  For the record, that's an enormous understatement.  My most prosperous year ended with me in tears telling my husband that I felt like he was my roommate, that we had no connection and I couldn't work like that for another year and not feel like the crappiest wife and mom in the world. (Wow!  Would my kids be mad that I just said "crappiest" but it's really the nicest word for how I felt!) My heart was broken and haggard because I was not looking to God to run my business, my business was running me!


So, as my first assignment in my 40-Day Prayer Journey to Seek God's Will For My Photo Business, I'd like to introduce you to the new CEO of Dorinda Peyton Photography, His name is Jesus.  He's totally the best person for the job.  Every ounce of creativity that I've ever had has come from Him.  In fact, He's the author of all good things and every good and perfect gift I've received have come from Him.  I know that talking about one's religion is all social taboo... especially on a professional blog but I'm not talking about a religion.  I'm talking about a real live God who is my friend... with whom I have a real relationship.  I talk to Him and He talks to me... if I'll ever shut up long enough to listen.  So if it freaks you out to think of me talking about "God" then, for a moment, think of Him as my dearest friend.  You see I have not lived a perfect life.  The mountain of mistakes I've made are overwhelming and shameful.  Those mistakes were so huge that, at times, I felt myself suffocating and in complete dispair.  It was this amazing Jesus who did not stand before me and show me the image of me that I believed to be true, that I believed others saw... the harlot, the liar, the murderer, the unworthy, the unforgivable, the unlovable.  No, Jesus picked me up out of the pit of which I'd have surely died and He loved me.  He said I was beautiful.  He said I was His daughter... His delight.  He said that I was the apple of His eye... something I'd never been to anyone else in my life.  He said that not only was I forgivable but that I was forgiven... redeemed... PURE!


Despite His sweet words I continued to doubt my worth, knowing what I truly deserved... but Jesus, he held my hand every day... speaking words of love to my heart, conforming me to be more like Him and blessing me beyond my wildest dreams!   I'm not wealthy.  I don't know if I'd even want to be.  I'm not famous but I'm fairly certain that I want no part of that at all anyway!   I am, however, a wife to a wonderful man who adores me, who cherishes our marriage as the sacred thing that it is.  I am a mother to children who teach me and point me to Christ every-single-day, honoring me with the privilege of being the one who teaches them how to love Jesus.  I am a friend of the One who gave His life for mine and that is more than I could ever need. 


I'm excited to give my business back to Jesus.  Everything in my life is His anyway.   I don't know what this journey will mean for it but  I know that apart from Him, I can do nothing anyway but with my faith in Him, I can move mountains!


So, if you're actually still reading... Thank you!  I have no idea what God is going to do on this 40 day journey but I'm excited to be on it and ready to enjoy the ride!


God Bless,